Record to Rendered

DISCLAIMER: I realize this is not a fair representation of the frat boy population; I just happened to find a gem of a roommate. Please do not take offense to any content you find here, I’d rather instead you giggle to yourself at my misfortune.

With that, here are my 40 reasons not to live with a frat boy:

1. Says “I’m not paying that” in reference to all bills. On move-in day.
2. Breaks a permanent mirror in the apartment before I get a chance to move in the last box
3. Whispers “I feel like she just abandoned me” as his mother walks out the door
4. Texts me at 9 am on day one, letting me know he forgot his lunch and would like me to take care of it for him
5. Locks his computer to a desk on wheels because he’s afraid I’ll steal it
6. Calls the landlord on day two, begging him to fix the front door because the key jiggles in it and he is afraid someone is going to break in. Then break through another door. And another. Then kill him in his sleep.
7. Can’t figure out how to use the dishwasher to save his life
8. Creeps through my closed door into my dark room to get my mailbox key off my keychain, while it’s in my purse… while I’m in the room sleeping.
9. Near tears when I yell at him for messing up the internet connection ten minutes after finally setting it up, after two weeks of effort.
10. Locks me out of my apartment when I go in the hallway to in an effort to not yell at him.
11. Listens to rap. Not just rap, 3Oh3. Not just 3Oh3, but only 3 of their songs, on repeat. All day.
12. Sends me a facebook message in regards to an “attitude problem” when I’m within eyeshot, because he’s afraid I’ll kill him if he speaks to me in person
13. Walks around shirtless. Hairy. Then hits on all of my [grossed out] friends.
14. Breaks ceiling lights with beach balls
15. Texts me from the next room at 9 pm asking me to turn down my music, because he’s trying to sleep.
16. Wakes me up by standing in my doorway at 7 AM. What was he doing? Just looking at me. Must get a lock for my door.
17. Requests that I climb out the window in order to get to our balcony, rather than use the door that’s located in his room
18. Freaks out every time I use my hairdryer. It’s too loud. Clearly I should simply not use it.
19. Takes it upon himself to blanket my friends in the middle of the night when they are asleep on my futon.
20. Decked in Cubs gear, loudly announces he is off to a home game then to drink with his friends. There is no home game.
21. Plays country music loud because he knows I hate the genre. Not just loud, but at varying levels. For whatever reason, he turns the volume up and down randomly, every few seconds or so.
22. Calls his dad to ask him how to operate the stove. They have a long, intricate conversation.
23. Writes “Trash box, son!” on a cardboard box and leaves it in the kitchen
    
24. Has a severe fear of all piercings – on other people.
25. Walks into my room when I have a migraine and says “You know what makes headaches go away? Sex.” Then continues to stand there, looking at me.
26. In an attempt to vengefully piss me off at 7 AM, stomps around, sets off two alarms, turns up the tv, slams his door… and locks himself out. Next order of action? Hurl body into door in an effort to break it down. Eventually successful in cracking it.
27. Hits on my mother.
28. Invites two friends over to “rage” AKA take two shots then fall asleep on an uninflated air mattress on the wooden floor.
29. Upon being introduced to my coworker, immediately offers her a place next to him on his bed for the night and quickly follows it up with “So can we make out now?”
30. I find out via a facebook event titled “Chi Town Throw Down” that he has invited 35 people to my apartment for a party, all weekend.
31. Gives himself a hernea squatting at work, refuses to ride his bicycle anywhere and rants of his intentions to “once again” become a professional cyclist once he overcomes his ”condition.”
32. Complains about a fellow intern being a jerk. Why? Because his fellow intern is a frat boy… ?
33. Acts like you’re trying to drag him to the dentist every time he needs to pay for rent/utilities. Why can’t he pay his half? He has a REAL job, he doesn’t have time.
34. Goes into a panic when I ask him to only talk to me when absolutely necessary. Text, phone, facebook chat: “Do you have a personal problem with me???”
35. I have the sniffles because I have allergies. He texts me from his mom’s house letting me know I got him sick with the flu and he will be taking the next week off work to recover.
36. As a first impression to our new neighbors, knocks on their door and asks one of them to carry his laundry to his car the next day.. he has back problems, he can’t. Knocks on their door the next day as promised, points at his laundry basket, and walks away.
37. While I’m petting the neighbor’s cat, he runs up behind me, yells “HEY NEIGHBORS SHE’S TRYING TO STEAL YOUR CAT!” out the window and runs away.
38. Throws a stomping, cubboard-slamming, sighing, pot-throwing tantrum when he finds jello on the counter.
39. I walk home from picking up a friend from the train station. He yells at me because I made 4th of July traffic postpone his drive home from work.
40. Spends his time at his internship solidifying himself into Lonely Island lyrics (blurred for privacy):
    (for those of you unfamiliar with the song “I’m on a Boat”, it entails: “I’m riding on a dolphin doing flips and sh** / This dolphin is splashing, getting everyone all wet / But this aint Sea World, this as real as it gets”)

Lesson learned.